Depression: Thank God for my Friends

feeling low

15036I am very blessed to have each and everyone of my as friends.  Everyone has been so supportive, including my brothers and parents.  I really have never hurt this much in the past. It’s like it hurts to breath, it hurts to laugh and its impossible to get a good night of sleep.  I toss and turn, then I wake up six seven times a night with tears in my eyes.  I keep dreaming about him with another woman and dreaming about him in general.  His face is always in my mind and I hate it.  I want to go to hypnotist and have them erase the last few months so I don’t have to go through this process of healing.  Some days I don’t feel strong enough to get through it.

I have panic attacks because I feel so dead inside and even when someone or a group of someones is around me, I still feel so empty and lonely.  This is the worst depression I have ever been in.  I can’t drive my car because I am honestly scared to drive anywhere because he used to drive all the time.  Every time I get in the shower I scrub my skin raw trying to get the feeling of him off of me.  I hardly eat at all and if it wasn’t for all the medicines I have to take I wouldn’t eat ever.  I just want to crawl into a whole and hide from reality until this storm passes. I haven’t felt like this since my first love TJ killed himself.  And even then I was young and more resilient than I am now.  I just feel so empty.

Even if I hate him now, when he left he broke my soul.  I felt like he was my soul mate and now I feel like I will never have another soul mate.   The kind of love I had for him was a once in a lifetime, Great love.  I have cried so much that my eyes are like pillows, all puffy and red.  I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, but I force myself.  Being around my son makes me happy, but he knows mommy is hurting because he keeps hugging me.  I just feel like the world isn’t the same.  All the colors look black and white now, all the sounds are dull now, all the music is annoying me and I feel discontent.  I want to make it all end, I just want to make my heart 24665stop hurting but I can’t and nothing and nobody can fix it.

Have you ever been this heart broken?  If so please tell me something that will help other than, “This too shall pass,” or “It will get easier,” because right now its not easier and its not passing so I need advice as to how to get through the right now!  How do I move forward from this miserable pain?  How do I learn to care about the little details I used to care so much about?  Please post your comments and help me find a way to get through this.  I need you all  to tell me what I can try, because I am tapped out of giving advice to myself because its not getting me anywhere.  Crawling into a ball and crying myself to sleep every night or just staying awake to avoid the whole situation is not helping me and I am desperate for some help!  Tell me what you can do to make yourself feel better when someone has literally ripped your heart out, stomped on it, then put it back into your chest mangled, broken and barely beating?

Leave you comments below and thank you for taking the time to help me.


4 thoughts on “Depression: Thank God for my Friends

  1. Nik, I know exactly how you feel, when I say exactly I really mean exactly. When you find the love of your life, your soul mate, the person you want to marry, spend the rest of your life with, your best friend, your one and only I hate to say this but you never get over that sad empty feeling when you think of them. It does get easier but the hurt never goes away. Its been years since it happened to me and as good and happy in my life that I am with someone else that treats and makes me happy, I still hurt to this day. it brings tears to my eyes now just talking about it. I tell you this bc I lived through what your going through. Im good now. The hurt, the anger, the love you STILL have even after everything. The thing is its how you as a person let it effect you. Some people let it go pretend it doesnt matter and move on, others hurt so bad and feel so sorry for themselves they self loath and spiral into depression. You cant be that person. You have to be the person that has been hurt but was able to learn the lesson of life and move on. Sure it hurts, it hurts like hell. Its the worst feeling in the world that anyone could possibly feel. Its a gut wrenching, head pounding eye swelling kind of pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. You need to see past that, you need to take this as an everything happens for a reason scenario. No everything doesn’t happen for a reason really. It happens bc of choices made. If different choices were made it would have happened differently. But that why its a everything happens for a reason thing.. it is what it is and It just makes it better. So this is what you do, you take all of your pain, all of your hate and let it go. But keep the love. Go out get drunk as hell and just scream at the top of your lungs. When you wake up the next morning your going to feel like so much shit your not going to want to feel like that again. As your going through your day hungover thinking about how stupid you were the night before the last thing on your mind is him. Get it? the point is your going to get over this, its going to take time though. And im telling you, youll get to the 2nd year later and look at it as a lesson learned. Just remember your son. That’s the only man in your life that will never disappoint you. You cant be moping around your house forever. Get out, be with friends that make you happy. Your still going to cry yourself to sleep at night sometimes but youll be happier during the day. You wont be alone. Tell your self, Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop crying and get over it. It takes time but time eases the pain.

    1. Thank you for saying all the things you have said. I have been so lost the last year and blind to the things that were going on with this man. I don’t think I was really in love, I think I was just hurt by leaving my ex husband, so I didn’t want to be lonely. I wish I would have known what I know now and I would have done everything a lot differently. I regret too much, and I have to stop making my life a smear of regrets. I need to start treating myself with respect and choosing the right friends, the right partners and the right attitude to attract the right people in my life. I am very focused now on my career and honestly its a good thing. I have had my share of bad relationships and I think its time to learn to love myself. That is what I am doing now. 🙂 Love ya Krysi and we should grab lunch sometime soon. Thanks for the comment. Nic<3

  2. Believe in yourself. Get out and spend time with people. Today is not what tomorrow has to be. Wake up each day and try to find a good thought for that day. And look for ways to laugh at some of life….with Charlie around and Sebastian, even your family, every day you should be able to find something. It hurts now, but remember that is not forever.

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