So I hit A Revelation! You know that moment when you sit down, realize what a waste of time this whole stupid depression has been and just silently curse between your lips, a silent but very meaningful, WHAT THE EFF!!!!  It’s more than it’s purpose, it’s when you finally realize that stupid decision of the past just sucked you into such a deep whole that you forgot what you wanted, what you needed! You put that one thing, person, feeling above all else and forgot yourself and to forget you is not okay! To forget you is like not ever living at all! Life is bumpy, life is creative, life is dark, life is bright, life is whatever the wave of change it brings. Its a secret no one knows, not even you.  Those tears, the ones rolling down your face right now or yesterday or tomorrow make no sense because its a new door opening, its a new cut that is programmed to heal, its like the wind you can’t slow it down, speed it up or make it stop, you can only be at it’s mercy.  You can only feel what you want to feel and leave the rest in your wake.  Don’t sit in your bed all night holding your legs rocking back and forth wondering what to do.  The answer is there already, destiny is preordained. Your future is already there waiting for you to catch up, so process the now and move forward before you forget to catch the next wave.  Before the night turns into day and you know not why you said or did the things you did.  Find people, things, places that fill you with inspiration and get it all out. Scream, Dance, Write, Eat, Sleep until its over, Count to 10, count to 100, take a deep breathe or fifty, whatever it is move on and cry not, cry no more, cry never for this again.

What makes us weak is what also makes us strong.  Strength is bigger than weakness.  Your not little anymore, once you have been here, in this new place of revelation, you are in that stage of forgetting the dreaming stage and realizing reality.  You are awake.  The dream ends here, no more do you fall hard without boundaries and life support, no more do you feel the wearing words of pain that people shoot at you a million miles per hour, no more do you stand defenseless in this world that is but a speck of light in time.  You are aiming for a target that you don’t want to hit, you are living to die, you are weak, vulnerable, sick, distant, sick! Get over it all now.  This is the new chapter.  This is the day you stop, stare and smile at the little things.  The trees, the grass, the sky, and you walk into the wind without a care in the world.  This is the new day.  This is the day of reckoning.  This may be your luckiest day, this may be your worst day yet, but EFF IT ALL what it is, is what it is! What hurt yesterday won’t hurt today, what felt like a bullet hole will heal today, so just walk with your life in your grasp.  Get it all, love it all, enjoy and play with it all.

No friends, or friends, or family or no family, you came here alone and you will die alone whether you want to or not.  That is not a terrible thing, that is what is supposed to be, but I would rather die than to have to ever turn around and feel that hurt and enraged again.  Pain is double sided until you decide to not care.  Then the pain doesn’t exist.  There is something that will pull you through whether its this stupid rant or the belief that people need you, your family, friends or the local gas station clerk needs you, so remember that you don’t know who you effect, and who needs you.  What will be, will be and not you or the forces of heaven and Earth will stop destiny from happening.  Either jump in or give up, but if you give up, you are weaker than can be expressed because to take away your life is to ruin the fold.  To prematurely knock down the dominoes of people who depend on and value you.  Even Though you hate you, someone out there loves you with all of their being.  Never forget to remember that someone or someone’s, because to forget is to fall into a selfish and underailable train of torment and heartache as you stand over the pain and heartache you inflicted and know in your soul that you can’t blame anyone but yourself.  To have that much regret will eat up the amazing reality of your self, of your loved ones, and those who love you.  You have to be stronger than your weakest moment, but yet weak enough to allow only what’s healthy to come out and cry….. just cry until the tears that fall out way the bad decision, because when the cry is over, the regret is for the cry and not the big Goodbye!

Pain is pain and it comes and it goes.  I hate that this pain I feel is still haunting me yet I can’t find a place to drop it and move forward. So it is Un-Stinking-Believable! I need to find myself again, and so you will help me.  You who took the time to read my unedited thoughts that sounds like the crazy rants of a lost little girl, but I assure you love and pain and everything in between that can suck you dry and it is not worth the amount of time you give it.  Drop it at the door enough and its gone, so drop it over and over again! Never pick it up again. Say Good Bye and keep walking away.  I will find my soul mate, and though I mistaked him once or twice, he is there in the world wondering where I am and waiting to be my all.  He is there waiting to know my name, my smells, my fingertips across his back while he faces away from me, my heart beating next to his in harmony.  He knows I am here and I need to know that he is there too.  Somewhere in this beautiful world he is there and the more I believe it the more excited I am for the future.

Enjoy this music Courtesy of my friend Jason who made me listen to it and now I want to share it with you.  Maybe it will make you remember those that remember you! Love you! Are there for you! Listen and be free from the pain and smile:

Click here to watch!

Here’s one more song I love and has gotten me through the darkest moments of my life:

Click here to here this awesome healing song


Check these out too for more reading:



3 thoughts on “Un-Stinking-Believable!

  1. Very moving, Nicole! I couldn’t help but think back to my past loves and grief they have caused me…your words welled up those emotions expressed them effortlessly! You have quite a knack for this, that’s for sure!

    I can remember the times when I thought all hope was lost and the only solution was to end my life. In fact, I wanted to be like the rock-stars that died tragically young, and completely misunderstood. At my darkest moments, I aspired to die with a needle in my arm and a bottle at my feet, but He did not see it fit…He had much bigger things in store for me! While the pain may have been great, and the loneliness and depression so bleak, this too shall pass! While the amount of pain and misery we all experience differs, you are not alone! I for one am grateful I can actually feel feelings today, and be able to sympathize / empathize for others, where just a few years ago I would’ve scoffed at others’ pain and misery to benefit me.

    I look forward to reading more of your work. It’s inspiring, heartfelt, emotive, and finely crafted to connect with your audience on a multitude of levels. Keep up the good work! 😉

    1. Thanks Rex! I have a mini series I am working on about emotional developments of a young misunderstood person to a young misguided adult. It’s going to be about Love, Hate, Fear, Anxiety, Depression and all the emotional turmoil that we suffer from childhood to adulthood. I hope you will stay tuned and remain part of my life! XOXO 🙂

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