I get asked just about everyday what happened between Him and I, but honestly I can’t really find the right way to explain it. I had thought I loved in the past, and I mean the kind of love that makes your knees buckle when you see the person you care about most. I know you can have this great love more than once, especially when you are open to love. Personally, I have always had issues with my love life. There are so many things that have gone so terribly wrong in every relationship I have had but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, of course the strength doesn’t come until after you are weak and pathetic from crying so much. Since every relationship has gone terribly bad, I decided to seek out self therapy (through this blog) because it is obviously my fault that no one seems to fit the mold of my perfect, Idealistic male suitor. There was a moment when I was completely convinced that maybe perhaps it was because I am gay, or perhaps I am just too big or too small or too weird or not weird enough, but truly I don’t know what it is that I do that makes me leave, or in this breakup, make him leave. I have never been left before, so the hurt was that much worse and yet I have to say thank you to Him, because He saved me from a miserable life of being dragged down by his horrible attitude and inability to maintain stable employment or even contribute to anything but the rising bills.
I am the kind of girl that doesn’t just date random guys here and there, I like stable long relationships because then you can get comfortable and start making plans for the future. However, my ex fiance, was exactly the guy I wanted for so long and when I found him, I fell for him completely and totally and became so consumed with emotion for him. I let my guard down with Him because I wanted to be with him and he made me comfortable enough to break down the walls that have always protected me from feeling the pain that someone else can inflict. What a huge mistake that was! He would say things like, “Your so sexy”, “Your so beautiful”, “You are my soulmate”, “I’m so lucky I have you”, “You are my everything”, and “I’ll never leave you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I felt so comfortable hearing these constant re-assurement’s of his devotion to me and our love.
Any girl in her right mind would let her guard down to love him all the way because he was constantly reassuring his love. He buttered me up so much that my 10 year old guard, that even my own husband of eight years, with whom I bore one child, couldn’t get through, came crumbling down and I let myself fall all the way in love. Not just a little love, it was like I feel off the edge of the Earth and hit the place of humanial ecstasy that no one could explain in mere words.
When it was good, it was really good. We were crazy about each other. We couldn’t even go an hour without talking or kissing or touching each other. It was a good feeling to know that we had each others back.
We both travel for work, and he does more than I do. He would be in Michigan cleaning up an oil spill and we would literally talk every night and text all day. He would make sure to call me every night before bed, which made me feel special like he cared so much more than I thought. I loved him so much that I would do anything for him, and I did do everything for him. I paid all the bills while he sat on his ass playing video games, I cooked most of the time unless he decided to do it, I gave him what a man needs often, and bought him anything he wanted, which includes an Xbox, video games, food, and cigarettes. I spent more than $7000 while I was with him on just shit that he wanted, not including my stuff. I also walked out on two leases for two different apartments because he didn’t want to stay there anymore. I drove his friends around like a taxi and let him use my brand new 2012 kia optima anytime he wanted. I paid $700 in tickets so he could get his license back, because I wanted him to start fresh and to be happy. I bought him a book to study for his GED and then paid for the GED test so he could get his GED and open up to more opportunities for himself. I even moved to Atmore Alabama, so he could have a chance to fight for custody of his son, but instead his son spent one or two weekends with us the whole three months we were there and all he did was hang out with his friends and drink like a fish, while I worked and paid the tab.
I met some great friends in Atmore, including LaShay and Aunt Diane, Thursday and Aldriene, Lonnie and Jessica, and Kaley, plus all my friends at work at Verizon Wireless. I am not trying to complain about what I did for Him, I am just trying to explain that love is blind and I was completely and totally blind. I gave him everything and asked for nothing because I am a giver and he is a taker. I didn’t mind giving him everything because I loved him that much and I wanted to do anything to make him happy because his presence made me happy. I didn’t realize that I was in a toxic and unhealthy relationship, as most people do not know that they are not in a healthy relationship. I just knew that I wanted him and I was willing to do whatever I could to make him stay. Now I would laugh in his face before I would allow him to touch me or kiss me! One day I believe he will smack himself in the face for letting me go, especially the day I appear on national television for my book, or when I get my company to a great place and film my first commercial! It will be one day when he remembers when he had someone who loved him more than anything and he will be where I am now and the pain will last and last because it wasn’t worth it! It wasn’t worth it to give up forever with your soul mate to party and sleep with other women! Goodbye Him! You are not here in me anymore and I don’t want to know you. Our paths will not ever cross again and I pray you find happiness on the path you have chosen, because I know now that I will. Maybe you did me a favor, but know this, Him, you have broken my heart so much that once its back together, you will be nothing to me. Not even a friend. Good bye and have a nice life!
- The stages after a breakup… (mariebliss.com)
- 3 Mistakes that Can Lead to a Breakup (everyjoe.com)
- He loves me….He loves me not?!?! (scottjude.wordpress.com)
- Relationships After A Breakup (lovereallybites.wordpress.com)
- Breaking Up is Hard to Do (lesbihonestblog.com)
- Can’t GET OVER my EX! (krimchique.wordpress.com)
- Blind love (lareginaoscura.wordpress.com)
- How to Handle a Breakup (everydayhealth.com)