Why I have a boyfriend instead of a Husband?


I was married for 8 years to a man who I married when I was so young.  I didn’t know what I truly wanted and I tried to make it work, and back in 2008, we decided to part ways only to find out we were pregnant.  We stuck it out and got married for the sake of the unborn baby that we both were scared as hell to have.  We fought a lot about almost everything you can think of during the pregnancy, then I got sick with a lot of complications from the stress of being bound to this man that I wasn’t really happy with.  I convinced myself that I would rather my child have two parents than to have a child by myself and actually be happy!  I know I am not alone in this.  A lot of women get pregnant when they definitely didn’t want to or need to.  This man and I were together for 3 years when I got pregnant and I said to myself, “Okay this must be what God wants for me and even if I don’t want to spend forever with this man, we are having a baby.”

Then my first little boy, Sebastian, was born.  Red haired sweetheart with big beautiful eyes and stole my heart within seconds of being alive,  I knew I would never love anything that much so I convinced myself to do whatever it took to be the best mom to him, even if it meant being married to his father.  Now please understand, I am not a fan of broken homes.  I don’t think divorce is even remotely happy, whether you want to be divorced or not, it is painful on more than just you and the person you are divorcing.  It is like failing in the eyes of our creator and the law, and you just sit there wondering how you could have picked this person knowing what you know now.  Now I don’t hate my ex (most of the time) but I do wish I could’ve wised up and left before a little boys life was affected by the breakup.  I do wish I wouldn’t have been so scared to be alone so I could have just said good bye in the most peaceful way and walked away without having any emotional ties.  Then I think to myself, this man tried, he tried to love me, he tried to be the man I needed but it just wasn’t right from the beginning and the only thing he has ever been truly great at is being a dad.  Now I know why God made Sebastian and no matter what adversity I have to face with my ex, the one truly admirable thing about him is that he loves being a dad and does everything for Sebastian that he can.

Now that you know the back story, I met a man in middle school and reconnected with him after years of not talking.  We were pretty good friends back in the day, definitely didn’t hang out too much but he was a cool guy and we always had a good conversation when I saw him.  He appeared in my life during my divorce.  I was trying to move on with my life and he appeared and gave me a sense of hope.  Being married was awful for me and people always ask why I haven’t married my boyfriend yet, and my answer is always the same, “Been there done that and while I want to get married again one day, I need to focus on the happy moments and make sure I have the right guy now so I don’t get hurt again.”

Yes I got pregnant again and Grayson came into the world.  My big blue eyed blondish haired baby boy, but I feel no obligation to get married because right now it’s just perfect and I don’t want to mess up perfection with doubt and fear of what marriage represents to me after my first failed attempt.  I come from a happy home with two parents who love each other to the end of the Earth and back, so I know I will get married again, but this time it will be for forever, so no rush on forever, right?

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