The Real Love Letter

There comes a point in a girls life when she knows what she doesn’t want and what she doesn’t need, but you I need with every fiber of my soul.  I have searched for you my whole life.  It was as if we passed each other a million times and never knew what we would have one day.  I have always loved love and what it represented.  I watched my parents love each other so much my whole life, watched them grow up together and raise my brothers, sister and I to be who will be.  I always knew that was what I would have, but every relationship I tried broke me.  I thought I would never find you.  I thought it didn’t exist for me.  I watched strong passionate relationships slip through my fingers, thinking I would never recover from every piece of my heart it took.

When I met you, I feared most what would happen if you broke my heart, what was left of it.  You didn’t know that I was shaking inside when I told you I loved you.  I was desperately searching for a way to run away, to salvage what was left of my heart.  But you were different.  You fixed my heart, and everyday you make me feel more alive and in love than the day before.  The first time we made love, I knew in that moment I would never want to know life without you.  In my mind, I believe that our souls found each other.

I am careful with myself, careful in everything I do, yet I am reckless in matters of the heart.  You are teaching me to be more aware of my needs.  When you are in pain, I feel it in a way that I never thought possible.  I cannot make sense of the feelings I have for you.  I cannot make myself understand them.  I cannot be without you.  I cannot know what it feels like to lose you and that is why I believe this is the first real love letter I have ever truly written in my life.  You are my future, my home.  The only place I want to be is where you are and where you want to be.

My mom told me when I met the person I was meant to be with, there would never be a doubt in my mind.  I would give up every ounce of my being to be there for that person.  This love is different than the love I have for my child but the love is so big it consumes a part of me I didn’t know existed.  It’s like our love woke my soul and put my heart at peace.

Aside from raising my son and any future children I have, loving you is the only thing I want to be great at.  I have lived my life being good at everything I try, never great, but I want to be great for you.  I wish you would see what I see in you.  There is this incredibly beautiful person with a heart of gold right beneath the surface of your skin.  When you tell me you love me, a sparkle explodes in your amazing eyes and I can’t explain the feeling I get because I still can’t comprehend it.

I know that there is nothing I want more than you, nothing I ever wanted more than you.  I love you Tyler.  I want to always love you and grow old with you.  I want to wake up next to you everyday for the rest of our days.  I pray fate doesn’t have a different plan, but I want, I need, I crave you.

Love always,

Nicole

The Breakup: Cheating, Lies and Betrayal

Nicole and Anthony

I get asked just about everyday what happened between Him and I, but honestly I can’t really find the right way to explain it.  I had thought I loved in the past, and I mean the kind of love that makes your knees buckle when you see the person you care about most. I know you can have this great love more than once, especially when you are open to love.  Personally, I have always had issues with my love life.  There are so many things that have gone so terribly wrong in every relationship I have had but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, of course the strength doesn’t come until after you are weak and pathetic from crying so much.   Since every relationship has gone terribly bad, I decided to seek out self therapy (through this blog) because it is obviously my fault that no one seems to fit the mold of my perfect, Idealistic male suitor.  There was a moment when I was completely convinced that maybe perhaps it was because I am gay, or perhaps I am just too big or too small or too weird or not weird enough, but truly I don’t know what it is that I do that makes me leave, or in this breakup, make him leave.  I have never been left before, so the hurt was that much worse and yet I have to say thank you to Him, because He saved me from a miserable life of being dragged down by his horrible attitude and inability to maintain stable employment or even contribute to anything but the rising bills.

I am the kind of girl that doesn’t just date random guys here and there, I like stable long relationships because then you can get comfortable and start making plans for the future.  However, my ex fiance, was exactly the guy I wanted for so long and when I found him, I fell for him completely and totally and became so consumed with emotion for him.  I let my guard down with Him because I wanted to be with him and he made me comfortable enough to break down the walls that have always protected me from feeling the pain that someone else can inflict.  What a huge mistake that was!  He would say things like, “Your so sexy”, “Your so beautiful”, “You are my soulmate”, “I’m so lucky I have you”, “You are my everything”, and “I’ll never leave you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”  I felt so comfortable hearing these constant re-assurement’s of his devotion to me and our love.

Any girl in her right mind would let her guard down to love him all the way because he was constantly reassuring his love.  He buttered me up so much that my 10 year old guard, that even my own husband of eight years, with whom I bore one child, couldn’t get through, came crumbling down and I let myself fall all the way in love.  Not just a little love, it was like I feel off the edge of the Earth and hit the place of humanial ecstasy that no one could explain in mere words.

When it was good, it was really good.  We were crazy about each other.  We couldn’t even go an hour without talking or kissing or touching each other.  It was a good feeling to know that we had each others back.

181861_10151152036956086_367406646_n

We both travel for work, and he does more than I do.  He would be in Michigan cleaning up an oil spill and we would literally talk every night and text all day.  He would make sure to call me every night before bed, which made me feel special like he cared so much more than I thought.  I loved him so much that I would do anything for him, and I did do everything for him.  I paid all the bills while he sat on his ass playing video games, I cooked most of the time unless he decided to do it, I gave him what a man needs often, and bought him anything he wanted, which includes an Xbox, video games, food, and cigarettes.  I spent more than $7000 while I was with him on just shit that he wanted, not including my stuff.  I also walked out on two leases for two different apartments because he didn’t want to stay there anymore.  I drove his friends around like a taxi and let him use my brand new 2012 kia optima anytime he wanted.  I paid $700 in tickets so he could get his license back, because I wanted him to start fresh and to be happy.  I bought him a book to study for his GED and then paid for the GED test so he could get his GED and open up to more opportunities for himself.  I even moved to Atmore Alabama, so he could have a chance to fight for custody of his son, but instead his son spent one or two weekends with us the whole three months we were there and all he did was hang out with his friends and drink like a fish, while I worked and paid the tab.

I met some great friends in Atmore, including LaShay and Aunt Diane, Thursday and Aldriene, Lonnie and Jessica, and Kaley, plus all my friends at work at Verizon Wireless.  I am not trying to complain about what I did for Him, I am just trying to explain that love is blind and I was completely and totally blind.  I gave him everything and asked for nothing because I am a giver and he is a taker.  I didn’t mind giving him everything because I loved him that much and I wanted to do anything to make him happy because his presence made me happy.  I didn’t realize that I was in a toxic and unhealthy relationship, as most people do not know that they are not in a healthy relationship.  I just knew that I wanted him and I was willing to do whatever I could to make him stay.  Now I would laugh in his face before I would allow him to touch me or kiss me! One day I believe he will smack himself in the face for letting me go, especially the day I appear on national television for my book, or when I get my company to a great place and film my first commercial! It will be one day when he remembers when he had someone who loved him more than anything and he will be where I am now and the pain will last and last because it wasn’t worth it! It wasn’t worth it to give up forever with your soul mate to party and sleep with other women!    Goodbye Him! You are not here in me anymore and I don’t want to know you.  Our paths will not ever cross again and I pray you find happiness on the path you have chosen, because I know now that I will. Maybe you did me a favor, but know this, Him, you have broken my heart so much that once its back together, you will be nothing to me. Not even a friend.  Good bye and have a nice life!

537938_10151238164931086_955752659_n
It’s not perfect once its broken! It’s forgotten because you have to move on to find perfect and I am moving on. This is the last drop in the ocean of tears. This is the engagement dinner I just deleted from my hard drive of memories of you! I think I will always love you but not enough to be here again.  Not enough to want to fall apart as badly as I have! Good Bye and Good Luck! I will be happy again, you will be dead to me…….

 

My Kevin

Explanation:  This poem was written a long time ago back in 2008 when Kevin and I welcomed our son Sebastian into the world.  We were together from May 20, 2005 until August 15, 2013 when we separated.  We are still in the process of filing our divorce.  This is how I felt at one point during my marriage to Kevin Froehlich.  He is a good man and gave me my perfect baby boy, Sebastian.

my kevin by nm

I loved you then as I love you now,

I  feel you in my spirit and I know you somehow.

Here I stand seeing you from a distance,

You make my heart jump out of my chest for an instant.

You are the love I fell for before I knew you,

And you are the tender beat that gives me the life I always knew.

My life is complete because I have you,

Tell me your secrets tell me your truths.

Now that we have made it lets unite our hearts,

And let’s spend forever never being apart.