I was married for 8 years to a man who I married when I was so young. I didn’t know what I truly wanted and I tried to make it work, and back in 2008, we decided to part ways only to find out we were pregnant. We stuck it out and got married for the sake of the unborn baby that we both were scared as hell to have. We fought a lot about almost everything you can think of during the pregnancy, then I got sick with a lot of complications from the stress of being bound to this man that I wasn’t really happy with. I convinced myself that I would rather my child have two parents than to have a child by myself and actually be happy! I know I am not alone in this. A lot of women get pregnant when they definitely didn’t want to or need to. This man and I were together for 3 years when I got pregnant and I said to myself, “Okay this must be what God wants for me and even if I don’t want to spend forever with this man, we are having a baby.”
Then my first little boy, Sebastian, was born. Red haired sweetheart with big beautiful eyes and stole my heart within seconds of being alive, I knew I would never love anything that much so I convinced myself to do whatever it took to be the best mom to him, even if it meant being married to his father. Now please understand, I am not a fan of broken homes. I don’t think divorce is even remotely happy, whether you want to be divorced or not, it is painful on more than just you and the person you are divorcing. It is like failing in the eyes of our creator and the law, and you just sit there wondering how you could have picked this person knowing what you know now. Now I don’t hate my ex (most of the time) but I do wish I could’ve wised up and left before a little boys life was affected by the breakup. I do wish I wouldn’t have been so scared to be alone so I could have just said good bye in the most peaceful way and walked away without having any emotional ties. Then I think to myself, this man tried, he tried to love me, he tried to be the man I needed but it just wasn’t right from the beginning and the only thing he has ever been truly great at is being a dad. Now I know why God made Sebastian and no matter what adversity I have to face with my ex, the one truly admirable thing about him is that he loves being a dad and does everything for Sebastian that he can.
Now that you know the back story, I met a man in middle school and reconnected with him after years of not talking. We were pretty good friends back in the day, definitely didn’t hang out too much but he was a cool guy and we always had a good conversation when I saw him. He appeared in my life during my divorce. I was trying to move on with my life and he appeared and gave me a sense of hope. Being married was awful for me and people always ask why I haven’t married my boyfriend yet, and my answer is always the same, “Been there done that and while I want to get married again one day, I need to focus on the happy moments and make sure I have the right guy now so I don’t get hurt again.”
Yes I got pregnant again and Grayson came into the world. My big blue eyed blondish haired baby boy, but I feel no obligation to get married because right now it’s just perfect and I don’t want to mess up perfection with doubt and fear of what marriage represents to me after my first failed attempt. I come from a happy home with two parents who love each other to the end of the Earth and back, so I know I will get married again, but this time it will be for forever, so no rush on forever, right?
So here’s the deal…. We got a new Sleep-Comfort bed (well in the spirit of full disclosure, it was new to us but wasn’t brand new since we swapped beds with my brother because he wanted a smaller bed and he had a king and we had a queen). Anyways, you fill it with air until it is comfortable and just the way you like it. Well, bright and early this morning, my whole side of the bed was completely deflated (by 4:45AM) and since the thing to fill it is so loud, and my boy friend was sleeping next to me, I didn’t want to wake him up, so long story short, I have been up ever since. After 2 cups Cafe Bistro, a cup of Folgers and a pumpkin spiced latte from the gas station and I am still ready to go to bed. I am forcing myself to stay awake…..
So this is how my day has gone. After waking up on what felt like a piece of ply wood, I decided to get to work on some of the websites I need to finish, and the curriculum for my new classes and webinars (if your interested the link is http://www.learningwithnicole.com). So I figured I would take a nap at some point today just because I literally went to bed at around 1AM and woke up to my flat, hard as a rock bed at 4:45AM, but no……Here’s what actually happened.
But first here are the boys sleeping soundly:
Buckle up your seatbelt…. Here comes the ride from Hell
I seriously had one of the most stressful months I have ever had in a long time and today was like just straight chaos. On top of all that was going on, I have to vent about some serious stuff, but I will do that after I tell you about today. Here we go……
First, the water guy shows up at around 6:45SM. We have to move our tank from the old house to our new house, which was a fiasco. Then we have to have him drill all the way from our pantry to our sink. I let him go to work and I go back to doing my own work. Ten maybe twenty minutes later, “Nicole, there is a slight issue with the water pressure.” I have no idea what is going on nor do I speak water, so I kindly ask what we can do to fix this issue. “Well I don’t know if I have the tools with me to fix it, but I will try.” Well water guy fixes the pressure (YAY) but then the dishwasher overflows and floods the kitchen (NO). A couple of towels later and we have a clean kitchen. Plus I guess my grandmother was the one who started the dishwasher, so that could be the reason for the flood since she just presses any button and walks away. Anyways the water fiasco ended with a signature on a piece of paper, and Tyler and Delmar (Tyler’s dad who came to live with us and he is the best damn guy I know) cleaned up the water flood situation.
I go back to work. Tired, coffee number two brewing, and in comes pest control guy. Well, allow me to explain the situation. About a week ago we moved from one house to another on the same property. We used to live in a tiny, maybe 900 square foot cottage in the back of the property. We had neighbors who literally had SEVEN (7) Kids. They were evicted for not paying for several months, and HALILUJIA to that because they were the worst neighbors. They had a pit bull that they weren’t even supposed to have that would come over to our side of the property and basically scratch the back door or the screen, they had around 25 chickens and at one point 3 very loud and obnoxious Roosters (Who cockadoodled all day), then there was the pig. Before I get into the pest control guy, let me just tell you about the pig, whose name was Bacon.
When Bacon was little, he/she (let’s just go with it) would nibble on your toes and it was no bigger than a yorkie. I didn’t mind it but I figured it would grow out of that habit. NOPE! Never stopped doing that, but apparently, according to the neighbors from hell, I was the only one Bacon would nibble on. Well, moving on, this pig would Rome the property and basically come running at you like a P38 whenever you would get out of your car. When it was little, I didn’t care, but then it got kind of big (like the size of a pit bull). During the whole pig ordeal, I was pregnant with my little boy.
Eventually, “Bacon” the evil shit brained pig, started getting aggressive. By aggressive, I mean this pig would run up behind you and slam into you and sometimes even bite you. The “Pig” was actually a rapidly growing “HOG”. If you have never seen a wild hog, Google it. They are very aggressive and nasty little fuckers! A hog can tear you up and this growing hog was starting to get bigger and bigger and basically roamed free around the shared property. Look, I am a nice and patient person and I tried being friendly with these people, but they literally allowed so much chaos on the property, that I finally started being blunt about my feelings. Number one, Bacon needs to be penned as it is getting to be too aggressive, number two keep your dog in your fenced in yard, number three why are your pet bunnies running around on my side of the property? I mean is it so hard for you to buy them a cage that will keep them safe and on your side (yes we fed them and made sure they didn’t get picked up by a hawk or eagle) and number four get rid of the Roosters that are cockadoodle-dooing all MOTHER FUCKING day. We have no animals, we were always quiet and we never did anything to make them uncomfortable and unhappy, but we had a slew of issues with them and the animals they neglected.
When I was about 8 months pregnant, I was getting out of my car and I was bent over grabbing my purse and my things out of the car. As I was bent over, Bacon came up from my behind me, slammed into me so hard I slammed my head on the middle console of the car and then it bite me. The bruise I had on my leg was no joke about 12 inches long by 4 inches wide. I tried to kick the pig away and I screamed for Tyler who came running out. He grabbed the bat and started hitting the pig repeatedly trying get the pig to stop. But it wouldn’t. Eventually it got to the point where we had to carry a bat out with us whenever we would go to the car or come out of the car. One day, Tyler walked outside to the sounds of my oldest son screaming for help to find the pig repeatedly slamming into him. Tyler again took out the bat and tried to stop it. Bash was terrified to leave the house unless Tyler and the bat were with him. I had finally had enough and called the landlords (my parents). My mom said that it wasn’t her problem and I needed to deal with it with them. Finally one day she came over with the tree guy and Bacon attacked not only her, but the tree guy. That was the end of Bacon. They were to either pen the hog or get rid of it, but if it was out roaming free again, they were out. I guess the pig had a heart attack and died and I have no details on the situation other than that.
Anyways, that was a long detour back to the pest control guy and his arrival today, but there is a reason I told you about the people who lived here, because as soon as we moved in to the house they once lived in, GERMAN COCKEROACHES are literally everywhere. By everywhere, I mean they are living inside the oven, inside the circuit boards of the oven, microwave, and dishwasher and they are everywhere. At first I thought it was nothing too bad, but it is so bad that we have to leave the house for two days, after moving all the appliances to the curb and bleaching the whole kitchen. And we have to stay at a hotel while all this is being done because it is not safe to stay here while they destroy the infestation. I don’t know what grosses me out more, the fact that there are cockroaches everywhere, or that these people lived with them and did nothing about it.
Pest control guy basically said it would cost a minimum of $350 to get rid of them and my mom said too much. Sometimes, I wish my mom had to live with them, because I guarantee that if this was her place of residence, she wouldn’t care how much to get rid of them. We finally called the guy who she recommended and he came by and said we need to leave the house till the potentially lethal (to the baby only) chemicals were cleared out of the house. So now we have a reservation at the Marriott in Jensen Beach for the 2 days it will take to remove the roaches, and best part (it cost me $200 total for both nights thanks to an advertisement that wasn’t supposed to be online by Marriott and they honored it). So I guess the good that came out of this whole ordeal is that now, we get to have a little stay-cation on the beach in a fabulous hotel.
Next, I had to literally run after the mail lady, because I completely forgot to tell her we moved into the new house. That was so much fun and I got tore up by red ants, just for a tiny package. UGH!!! Most awful thing about living in Florida is the red ants and then there’s the ridiculously hot days that make you wish you lived in Alaska.
So while all this craziness was happening, I was also trying to build a website for a client and launch another website for another client and answer questions for my coworkers. Today made me realize that on the nights you get no sleep, you will have the craziest day to follow. This day was nuts. I mean hardcore, fucked in the ass, crazy shitty day. So glad it is almost night time and so glad my baby goes to bed at 8, because I am joining him in that bedtime tonight.
After all that craziness, I went back to work and found my boys sleeping peacefully. I was wishing I could do the same but that’s when I met coffee number three so I can get through the rest of the day and go to bed early. I am super grateful that the people that were here are no longer here and I am thoroughly enjoying the quiet, the lack of crazy animals (especially Beacon and the cockadoodlers) and I am ready to have a stay-cation while pest control guy gets rid of the nastiness that these disgusting people left behind. I truly feel bad for the new landlords and I hope that they learn to be more neighborly. Oh and the last text message I got from her was, “Maybe one day you will learn to be nicer to people” even though I commented back that I am nice to everyone (Which is true), I really wanted to say that “Maybe one day you will learn to not be a terrible neighbor and a bitch to someone who has put up with more shit then they should have. Bye bye to the Freeloaders and the chaos they bought with them. I am so thankful to be living in a much bigger place.
This is my favorite Dj in the world. She has some of the most awesome mixes I have ever heard and I had to share her with y’all! Hope hou enjoy her as much as I and all of her fans do! Xoxo
Love Niki Maria
Here is a preview into my life as DJ Blondie. I love what I do and wouldn’t change it for the world and it is because of you, my fans and my friends that make up the Blondie family. I always thank God for all of you. I am so blessed.
This video shows my photo shoot and at the end it shows me doing what I love, DJ’ing. Let me know what you think of my video by leaving a comment below. To see more cool updates like this use the subscribe button to the right. Can’t wait to see your comments.
First off, God is great and I am not writing this blog to complain.
I have been through some rough times over the past few weeks, struggling with unexplained pain in my abdomen and really trying hard to figure out why. I have tried to push for answers, have tried to endure all the difficult tests; from blood work, urine samples and stool samples to procedures, x-rays and CT scans. My body is not only exhausted but the pain lives on, pushing me into a corner and making me feel helpless.
THE NURSES WHO KEPT ME ALIVE AND HEALTHY AND COMFORTABLE DURING MY UNWANTED HOSPITAL STAY
I have been very blessed to have some of the most amazing nurses (who I now consider friends), including Lori, Katie and Berlinda. These wonderful women have been by my side lifting my spirits and giving me hope throughout the awful disappointment of getting no answers. All of these ladies have been there even when I cried and especially when I laugh, giving me more than just hope. I can only imagine that when they chose to become a nurses, they never imagined the impact they would make on each life they touch. I feel as though I am one of their children and they treat me with a respect that cannot be fake or deceived. God I am so beyond happy and thankful for you all, not just the ones I named but all of you. You are all very special to me and the job you do everyday is hard and I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to do what you do. Here is some love for you and I can only hope that you all go home and care for yourselves the same way you care so diligently for us patients. I definitely don’t think nurses get enough credit for all the hard work, energy, life saving and sacrifice you do for your patience. THANK YOU!!! and here are some funnies:
This one is special for Katie!! It just reminds me of your beautiful personality.
The Crazy Downfall of Niki Maria: Yup I ate Shit
Tonight was a scary night! I started to have cramps in my belly like I needed to poop (sorry we all do it). Then the sensation to puke started to happen. I got out of my bed and made my way to the bathroom to take care of the pooping issue. As soon as I got to the bathroom, the sensation to puke got way worse and so I sat on the toilet puking in the garbage can and pooping, which was not pretty. This made the pain in my stomach unbearable. I knew my nurse was coming because I told her that I was going to throw up. Little did she know, I was sitting in the bathroom ready to faint.
Once Lori got to the bathroom, I looked at her and I remember saying, “I think I am going to faint,” and that’s the last thing I remember before being bombarded by nurses all over my room. after that fabulous fainting session, I bought myself a ticket to “Fall Risk” land. Fall Risk patients wear yellow socks and usually have a yellow band on their arms, which someone decided not to give me, so my fashion remained a paisley green hospital gown with white undies, a red allergy tag and a white and blue hospital band. However, they boobie trapped my bed with an alarm that went off when I tried to go potty. (Note: Don’t boobie trap my bed unless you want me to piss my pants next time 😉 )
I don’t know how long I lost conciseness, but I am a lucky girl that Lori was there or I would have had a head injury or broken ligament. Again, another win by the team of awesome nurses. Thank you Martin Memorial Hospital for hiring these amazing women! Note to Martin Memorial’s HR Department: There are quite a few horrible nurses that I won’t call out in this blog, but I strongly recommend that you do a little more thorough “Ass-Hole” screening while hiring nurses because there are some real “Winners” in the emergency room.
QUICK SALES PITCH
If you have to get checked into a hospital anywhere in the tri-county of the Treasure Coast it is worth it to go to Martin Memorial North off East Ocean in Stuart because the MedSurg 4 East Nurses are ROCKSTARS!!!!!! <— Notice the exclamations ….. Here’s a few more –> !!!!!!
The Hospital Struggle is REAL
On a serious note, the struggle of being in and out of the hospital for nearly two weeks has been hard on my family, hard on the man I love, hard on my babies, hard on my ex husband, hard on my friends and very very hard on me. I never realized how much my friends and family needed me around and not being there has been a horrible feeling for me. I have tried my best to make the best of the situation and try to bring joy to the people around me but I feel so sad and scared inside. Being away from my babies is truly making this even more impossible for me.
I have given a lot of prayers to those around me who have taken the time to uphold normalcy for my boys and giving them love where I am unable to give it to them myself. The only thoughts I have in my head at this point is fear of the unknown and love and trust in God. As much as I am scared, I have God all around me. I feel him touching my life right now. I feel him giving me his energy and love while I suffer through this unknown and uncharted territory.
Inside my small room, I have a room mate. I look to my right and I see a woman who has lost her leg. I don’t know why, but my poor room mate has lost a ligament of her body, and it breaks my heart for her and for her family. In my heart, it feels so wrong to even ask God to take care of me, when this poor woman is suffering more than me. I am just going to do my best at this point to give all of this pain, sadness, fear and hardship to God for him to handle. He has done so much for me. He has given me so many blessings already. I am so lucky to be able to be a part of this lesson even when it seems impossible to get through. We must never forget that even in the hardest of times, God is teaching us a lesson and once it is revealed we can get closer to our purpose.
LOVE and LOVE and LOVE
Every woman says how lucky she is to have her man, but it’s my turn to say it. I have the best, goofiest, smartest, sweetest, sexiest and beyond amazing man I could have ever asked for. Even when we fight, no one in this world could love me better than him. Tonight, he came all the way to the hospital to see me, but he also took my oldest son here to see me and it made my night to see them both. I am so proud of Tyler. He is the most amazing father to our son, the most loving step father to my son and an absolutely perfect man for me. Because of him, I have been fighting harder to go home. I want to be back with him so I can see him when I go to bed and when I wake up. With tears of joy literally running down my face right now, I know with every fiber of my being that this man is the one I will spend the rest of my life with. No matter how long or short it may be, I can’t do this life without you. When you showed up tonight and brought me my boy, you made me day brighter than the sun. I love you and I will never get tired of telling you. I can’t wait to marry you.
When you go through something big, that is when you realize who your friends are. I know a lot of my “friends” have kids but I am realizing through this experience that most of the people I thought were good friends are actually more concerned with themselves. It doesn’t make me mad, in fact it doesn’t bother me at all and I am not writing this blog to focus on those people but I just wanted to make mention that this is something I am noticing. The true friends, the ones who care so much and make an effort this one is for you. Thank you for caring about me in my biggest time of need. Your efforts to stay in touch have not gone unnoticed.
How do you top that perfect Blog? I said it all, I said everything I felt from the top to the bottom. I feel like I just expressed every ounce of emotion inside of me and I feel completely free. I am So blessed from all the wonderfulness I have in my life and all the new wonderfulness that come into my life.
I have never been, nor will I ever be, a person who will force religion or God on anyone. My opinions and feelings are my own and I came to them on my own. I am writing this post because today my best friend and I had a really good talk about God and how she doesn’t feel connected to him like she feels she should. In my bible study group, where I am with about 20 or so women who are in their personal journey with Christ, I learned that letting God in is a very intimate and personal decision. Just a little back story about my journey, I was never much of a believer. I attended church because my mom made me and I never felt connected or in need of God in my life. I found God as a myth and that he couldn’t be real because I couldn’t see him or feel him or touch him. As a child, I didn’t care because I was carefree and didn’t realize how important he really is. I went through a lot in my life and often turned to my mom or my friends for guidance and support and never had the strength to deal with it all. That is when I realized I was missing something big in my life, but I didn’t realize it was Him.
God did so much for me, all along I thought nothing of it. I never thanked him, praised him or gave him any of my energy, and up until I was 25, I really never opened a bible. I always thought that God loved me so much that no matter what he would forgive me for not paying attention to him, but the truth is, he deserves my attention. After all everything I have is because of Him.
What opened my eyes!
It happened very slowly. I moved into a house in the country, where my landlords lived on the same property and my family and I rented a guest cottage on the property. My landlords were heavily involved with their church, offering to take us to church on Sunday’s to meet their fabulous church family. We politely declined the offer because it wasn’t really something we wanted to do (and not for any particular reason). One day my landlords wife asked me if I would like to come to a women’s bible study with her. I had always been fascinated with the idea of digging into the bible, especially since I was 25 when I started literally reading the Old Testament just to see what it was all about.
I decided to go and without any exaggeration, I believe it forever changed me.
Being in that room surrounded by these women, both young and old, who had so much peace and happiness in their lives because of how close to God they are, made me not only feel the need to know Him but to truly praise Him for all the amazing things he did in my life. It’s so hard to look back at a time when I didn’t choose Him or when I didn’t let Him in because that time in my life was not as peaceful as my life is now. Again, I don’t preach religion, nor do I tell people to do right by God because it isn’t my place nor my business but I can truly say with the utmost respect that without God I wouldn’t be as happy or as full of peace and love as I am today. The feeling of knowing him, even just the small taste I have already had and the many more memories and peaceful thoughts I will have while wrapped in his love, could absolutely never be replaced.
God is love… So much love that it soaks you with the wealth and peace and knowledge that comes with His presence in your life. This life is such a small part of what will be, such a small fragment of what happens to you. When you spend that small fragment knowing, trusting and having faith in His power, only then can you begin to imagine the beauty of what will happen when your soul leaves your body and enters into its home, it’s heaven.
Going back to the conversation with my friend. She and I both notice an emptiness inside her that she lacks an eternal love and the feeling of Gods loving arms. I would never tell her that she has to find God, but I know in my heart that if she lets me, I will show her the peace and love I feel just from believing in Him and His infinite love for all living and nonliving things.
There is so much I could say about my Heavenly Father, so many words to describe the feeling of knowing He has my back, but there has never been a moment since I started to have real faith that I have questioned the things he has done for me. He gave me the love of my life, he gave me my two perfect little boys, he gave me a brain that is perfect for running a business and being successful at it, he gave me a home to afford and filled my home with people that not only love me, but mean more than the world to me.
How can you begin to thank someone for every good thing you have when you still can’t believe that you have all of it? I don’t know how to be more grateful, how to be more worthy and all I can hope for is that I am able to spend the rest of my life being faithful and true to Him.
Thank you for my life, for every breath you give me, for my beautiful children who are both healthy and absolutely perfect, for a man who loves me unconditionally, who challenges me to be the best woman I can be. Thank you for all the amazing people that you put in my life, friends, family, children; and thank you for ensuring that I do right by them all. Thank you for my tiny little home and even though I complain about how small it is, thank you for allowing it to be mine. Thank you for my best friend who is truly the most amazing and successful friendship I have ever had, and thank you for realizing how badly and deeply I needed her in my life. Thank you for my parents who worked so hard and did everything they could to raise me and my brothers and sister the best way they could. Thank you for my siblings and their health and happiness. Thank you for Delmar, who has truly been the biggest blessing and joy to have around. Thank you for giving him the strength and the wisdom to quit drinking and lead a healthier life, and thank you for giving me the knowledge and resources to be his advocate throughout his difficult journey. Thank you for Kathy who took care of and still helps to care for my bohs. Thank you for my grandmother who is truly one of the most important people in my life. Thank you for Ryan and Ashley because they have bought so much happiness and joy into my life and into my career. Thank you for my bible study friends who you have put in my life to help me gain wisdom and begin to have an unbreakable bond with you. Thank you for my talents in juggling business, motherhood and a happy, strong and passionate love for a man who never takes me for granite. Thank you for healing my heart from all the heart ache and pain of my past and helping me find peace in letting go of those painful memories. Thank you for the doctors that have helped me in many ways to be the healthiest version of myself. Thank you for Kevin and the special relationship that we have while coparenting our son. Thank you for all the lessons I have learned and all the ones I have yet to learn. Above all else, thank you from the bottom of my heart for always loving me and being there for me when I need your help most. I praise you for your unfailing faith in me and for every ounce of happiness I have. Your love is so filling that I know I could never experience hate, that I could never lose myself to my own selfish desires and for that I am eternally grateful. The most important thing that I want you to know God is that I am no longer afraid to die, I know from the very foundation of my being that I have you. For All the sins and all the pain of my past, I am truly sorry. I let myself down and I let you down when I should have spent my time being the good person I know I can be and who I am choosing to be now. I am asking you to help me mend my heart from all the regret, sadness, lies, deceitful behavior and blatant disregard I had for you. I want to make sure that I spend from this moment forward being the person you always intended for me to be. I am beyond blessed to have a chance to build a relationship with you, and I hope in the rest of my life that I find a way to make you proud of me every chance I get.
I know this blog was very deep and I appreciate all of you who took the time to read it. I have to ask my followers, do you have God in your life? If not, I completely understand and I pray that you find him if you see fit to do so, but if so, what is one thing that you feel most about his presence in your life? What are some of the ways that you thank your God for His presence and love in your life? I want to get closer to my God and I would love to read anything that any of you would like to share about your personal journey with our creator. This post is so important to me. It really holds a lot of very intimate details about my personal appreciations and gratitude. If nothing else, I hope whoever reads this finds the comfort and jog of God as His love and dedication can move mountains in your life.
Thank you for your support of my posts, I am really going to try and make more frequent posts. I hope I didn’t bore anyone too much with my therapeutic post about my one truly unbreakable bond.