Unexpected Surgical Nightmare: Round 5

Getting Admitted: Round One  

I have to say I hate being stuck as a patient in the hospital.  It’s like being in jail but you are getting medicated the whole time.  So the first night is always the worst.  They have no more major tests or studies to conduct, however your nurses and techs are coming around every three to four hours to give medicine and take your vitals.  Then there is the bed which isn’t exactly uncomfortable but it isn’t like being in your own bed.  On top of everything else, they don’t allow you to eat for a while during the time they are running studies and deciding what to do.

After the first night, my Doctor came in and told me that they are going to run a bunch of tests and if they don’t find anything they are going to do an exploratory surgery to see if they can find anything inside me that could be causing the problem.

I went through several tests and all of them came back with varying results.  I was low on potassium, I had swelling in my small intestines, my bowel was full and needed to be emptied and I had some minor gallbladder stones.

After nearly a week in the hospital, and about 1000 tests and studies, I was put in for surgery.  Yet another laparoscopic procedure to see if they can find the source of the problem. There was nothing remarkable found in the surgery.  I had two adhesion’s that were fusing my colon and bladder together and my large and small intestines together.  I stayed in the hospital one more night and was sent home with a couple of prescriptions for antibiotics, nausea, pain and inflammation.  I thought I was done with the whole nightmare, but I was barely done with the first chapter.

Upon getting home, I again took it easy and tried to rest a lot.  I took my medicine as directed and low and behold, the pain came back.  This time worse than the last.  Vomiting, slight fever, high blood pressure, chills, doubled over and ready to scream. I called the doctor and he said, back to the ER.

Someday… Someone….

Every time I reflect,

every time I remember,

My insides lose sight of reason,

my mind is blank, un-rendered.

 

Pain is suffocating,

logic is a device,

to be fine alone,

one must learn to sacrifice.

 

Deep inside I cry,

Deep within I break,

I won’t tell you

it’s because of your hate.

 

Someday someone

something somehow,

wish it was you

But your too late now.

Photo by Mob.org
Photo by Mob.org

Un-Stinking-Believable!

So I hit A Revelation! You know that moment when you sit down, realize what a waste of time this whole stupid depression has been and just silently curse between your lips, a silent but very meaningful, WHAT THE EFF!!!!  It’s more than it’s purpose, it’s when you finally realize that stupid decision of the past just sucked you into such a deep whole that you forgot what you wanted, what you needed! You put that one thing, person, feeling above all else and forgot yourself and to forget you is not okay! To forget you is like not ever living at all! Life is bumpy, life is creative, life is dark, life is bright, life is whatever the wave of change it brings. Its a secret no one knows, not even you.  Those tears, the ones rolling down your face right now or yesterday or tomorrow make no sense because its a new door opening, its a new cut that is programmed to heal, its like the wind you can’t slow it down, speed it up or make it stop, you can only be at it’s mercy.  You can only feel what you want to feel and leave the rest in your wake.  Don’t sit in your bed all night holding your legs rocking back and forth wondering what to do.  The answer is there already, destiny is preordained. Your future is already there waiting for you to catch up, so process the now and move forward before you forget to catch the next wave.  Before the night turns into day and you know not why you said or did the things you did.  Find people, things, places that fill you with inspiration and get it all out. Scream, Dance, Write, Eat, Sleep until its over, Count to 10, count to 100, take a deep breathe or fifty, whatever it is move on and cry not, cry no more, cry never for this again.

What makes us weak is what also makes us strong.  Strength is bigger than weakness.  Your not little anymore, once you have been here, in this new place of revelation, you are in that stage of forgetting the dreaming stage and realizing reality.  You are awake.  The dream ends here, no more do you fall hard without boundaries and life support, no more do you feel the wearing words of pain that people shoot at you a million miles per hour, no more do you stand defenseless in this world that is but a speck of light in time.  You are aiming for a target that you don’t want to hit, you are living to die, you are weak, vulnerable, sick, distant, sick! Get over it all now.  This is the new chapter.  This is the day you stop, stare and smile at the little things.  The trees, the grass, the sky, and you walk into the wind without a care in the world.  This is the new day.  This is the day of reckoning.  This may be your luckiest day, this may be your worst day yet, but EFF IT ALL what it is, is what it is! What hurt yesterday won’t hurt today, what felt like a bullet hole will heal today, so just walk with your life in your grasp.  Get it all, love it all, enjoy and play with it all.

No friends, or friends, or family or no family, you came here alone and you will die alone whether you want to or not.  That is not a terrible thing, that is what is supposed to be, but I would rather die than to have to ever turn around and feel that hurt and enraged again.  Pain is double sided until you decide to not care.  Then the pain doesn’t exist.  There is something that will pull you through whether its this stupid rant or the belief that people need you, your family, friends or the local gas station clerk needs you, so remember that you don’t know who you effect, and who needs you.  What will be, will be and not you or the forces of heaven and Earth will stop destiny from happening.  Either jump in or give up, but if you give up, you are weaker than can be expressed because to take away your life is to ruin the fold.  To prematurely knock down the dominoes of people who depend on and value you.  Even Though you hate you, someone out there loves you with all of their being.  Never forget to remember that someone or someone’s, because to forget is to fall into a selfish and underailable train of torment and heartache as you stand over the pain and heartache you inflicted and know in your soul that you can’t blame anyone but yourself.  To have that much regret will eat up the amazing reality of your self, of your loved ones, and those who love you.  You have to be stronger than your weakest moment, but yet weak enough to allow only what’s healthy to come out and cry….. just cry until the tears that fall out way the bad decision, because when the cry is over, the regret is for the cry and not the big Goodbye!

Pain is pain and it comes and it goes.  I hate that this pain I feel is still haunting me yet I can’t find a place to drop it and move forward. So it is Un-Stinking-Believable! I need to find myself again, and so you will help me.  You who took the time to read my unedited thoughts that sounds like the crazy rants of a lost little girl, but I assure you love and pain and everything in between that can suck you dry and it is not worth the amount of time you give it.  Drop it at the door enough and its gone, so drop it over and over again! Never pick it up again. Say Good Bye and keep walking away.  I will find my soul mate, and though I mistaked him once or twice, he is there in the world wondering where I am and waiting to be my all.  He is there waiting to know my name, my smells, my fingertips across his back while he faces away from me, my heart beating next to his in harmony.  He knows I am here and I need to know that he is there too.  Somewhere in this beautiful world he is there and the more I believe it the more excited I am for the future.

Enjoy this music Courtesy of my friend Jason who made me listen to it and now I want to share it with you.  Maybe it will make you remember those that remember you! Love you! Are there for you! Listen and be free from the pain and smile:

Click here to watch!

Here’s one more song I love and has gotten me through the darkest moments of my life:

Click here to here this awesome healing song

 

Check these out too for more reading:

 

Depression: Thank God for my Friends

feeling low

15036I am very blessed to have each and everyone of my as friends.  Everyone has been so supportive, including my brothers and parents.  I really have never hurt this much in the past. It’s like it hurts to breath, it hurts to laugh and its impossible to get a good night of sleep.  I toss and turn, then I wake up six seven times a night with tears in my eyes.  I keep dreaming about him with another woman and dreaming about him in general.  His face is always in my mind and I hate it.  I want to go to hypnotist and have them erase the last few months so I don’t have to go through this process of healing.  Some days I don’t feel strong enough to get through it.

I have panic attacks because I feel so dead inside and even when someone or a group of someones is around me, I still feel so empty and lonely.  This is the worst depression I have ever been in.  I can’t drive my car because I am honestly scared to drive anywhere because he used to drive all the time.  Every time I get in the shower I scrub my skin raw trying to get the feeling of him off of me.  I hardly eat at all and if it wasn’t for all the medicines I have to take I wouldn’t eat ever.  I just want to crawl into a whole and hide from reality until this storm passes. I haven’t felt like this since my first love TJ killed himself.  And even then I was young and more resilient than I am now.  I just feel so empty.

Even if I hate him now, when he left he broke my soul.  I felt like he was my soul mate and now I feel like I will never have another soul mate.   The kind of love I had for him was a once in a lifetime, Great love.  I have cried so much that my eyes are like pillows, all puffy and red.  I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, but I force myself.  Being around my son makes me happy, but he knows mommy is hurting because he keeps hugging me.  I just feel like the world isn’t the same.  All the colors look black and white now, all the sounds are dull now, all the music is annoying me and I feel discontent.  I want to make it all end, I just want to make my heart 24665stop hurting but I can’t and nothing and nobody can fix it.

Have you ever been this heart broken?  If so please tell me something that will help other than, “This too shall pass,” or “It will get easier,” because right now its not easier and its not passing so I need advice as to how to get through the right now!  How do I move forward from this miserable pain?  How do I learn to care about the little details I used to care so much about?  Please post your comments and help me find a way to get through this.  I need you all  to tell me what I can try, because I am tapped out of giving advice to myself because its not getting me anywhere.  Crawling into a ball and crying myself to sleep every night or just staying awake to avoid the whole situation is not helping me and I am desperate for some help!  Tell me what you can do to make yourself feel better when someone has literally ripped your heart out, stomped on it, then put it back into your chest mangled, broken and barely beating?

Leave you comments below and thank you for taking the time to help me.