Unexpected Surgical Nightmare: Round 5

Getting Admitted: Round One  

I have to say I hate being stuck as a patient in the hospital.  It’s like being in jail but you are getting medicated the whole time.  So the first night is always the worst.  They have no more major tests or studies to conduct, however your nurses and techs are coming around every three to four hours to give medicine and take your vitals.  Then there is the bed which isn’t exactly uncomfortable but it isn’t like being in your own bed.  On top of everything else, they don’t allow you to eat for a while during the time they are running studies and deciding what to do.

After the first night, my Doctor came in and told me that they are going to run a bunch of tests and if they don’t find anything they are going to do an exploratory surgery to see if they can find anything inside me that could be causing the problem.

I went through several tests and all of them came back with varying results.  I was low on potassium, I had swelling in my small intestines, my bowel was full and needed to be emptied and I had some minor gallbladder stones.

After nearly a week in the hospital, and about 1000 tests and studies, I was put in for surgery.  Yet another laparoscopic procedure to see if they can find the source of the problem. There was nothing remarkable found in the surgery.  I had two adhesion’s that were fusing my colon and bladder together and my large and small intestines together.  I stayed in the hospital one more night and was sent home with a couple of prescriptions for antibiotics, nausea, pain and inflammation.  I thought I was done with the whole nightmare, but I was barely done with the first chapter.

Upon getting home, I again took it easy and tried to rest a lot.  I took my medicine as directed and low and behold, the pain came back.  This time worse than the last.  Vomiting, slight fever, high blood pressure, chills, doubled over and ready to scream. I called the doctor and he said, back to the ER.

Unexpected Surgical Nightmare: Round 2

Traditions Medical Center: The Worst Emergency Room I have ever been to!

Once I got to Traditions, I walked up to the triage nurse and was told to take a seat as he proceeded to take my vitals.  My blood pressure was extremely high (156/107) due to both my agonizing pain and my anxiety of hospitals, and to top it off my temperature was around 100.5.  He insisted on retaking all the vitals and got the same results again. I was obviously not feeling well but the guy was just not getting it.

The place was an absolute mad house!  I mean, they had beds lining all the hallways filled with people, nurses running around like they were lost, codes being called all over the place, doctors who looked sleep deprived and overwhelmed and PA’s (Physician’s Assistants) who were trying to read notes and make arrangements to see the new and less serious patients.

I started out in a cozy little room with two nurses; Sara and Tara.  Sara was arrogant and completely unsympathetic to my situation and Tara was trying to go on a break the whole time they were getting me situated.  I only saw the Sara once and Tara twice.  After about 45 minutes of sitting in agony and dry heaving, a PA finally came in.  Much to my surprise, she said she would not offer me anything for pain because she thinks I was a pain med seeker, thanks to all the junkies in Florida.  I was absolutely furious that instead of letting me speak, she had immediately judged my situation.  Finally, when she got done listening to her self-righteous ideals of what she “Thought” was the situation, she gave me an opportunity to talk.  I simply said, as kind as possible, “My Doctor sent me here due to a complication from my surgery 5 days ago. Before you start assuming that you know what is going on, would you please take the time to review my chart.”  she got really quiet while reading my chart and instead of apologizing, she ordered me 1 MG of Dilaudid through my IV, which is a heavy and very effective IV Pain Relief medicine.  After dosing me up with meds, she told me that they have a super critical patient coming and needed to move me to another area to accept this patient.  Within 5 minutes, my wheel chair arrived and I was put into a room with a dying woman who had complete renal (kidney) failure.

At this point, my pain was coming back and I was starting to feel the urge to throw up.  I was truly in agony and doing my best to keep it together.  The numb throbbing pain, had turned into a miserable stabbing pain and the Dilaudid was not helping at all.  I was crying and curled up in a ball on my stretcher with my boyfriend rubbing my head telling me that we were in the right place to get answers and I had to try and relax.  Relaxing was not an option as the throbbing raged on and I felt completely helpless.  Here I am waiting for some answers, and nothing….. more nothing and……. oh what do you know … more nothing.

Unexpected Surgical Nightmare: Round One

Hey everyone!! I have so much to tell you about the last few weeks.  I sort of cannot believe this is all happening because I was feeling totally healthy and normal three weeks ago, pre-surgery.  This is the whole story broken into a couple of posts.  I hope y’all enjoy the Unexpected Surgical Nightmare Mini Series.  It will answer almost all of your questions about what has been going on since my original surgery.

So here is the beginning of what happened….

The Big Decision to Tie my Tubes and Stop having Babies

My boyfriend and I have three kids now, two boys and a girl; so we made a decision to be done with having babies so we can focus on them and their little bright futures.  As you all may already know, each child needs to have their own room or there should be no more than two kids in a room.  In addition to living accommodations, they need their own clothing, their own bathroom supplies, their own gear for sports and other activities and their own life insurance and college savings plans.  It is beyond expensive now-a-days to raise a child.  Anyways, we made the difficult decision to tie my tubes and maybe get him a vasectomy just to be extra careful.  After making up our minds, the doctor did his best to talk us out of doing the surgery but it was set in our minds that we will be going through with this surgery.  Making a decision like this wasn’t something that came easy.  We love our children and of course we have thought about having more, but the reality is that we need to focus on supporting and raising the kids we have without breaking the bank and killing our lifestyle.  So many of my friends and family asked me why I didn’t do the surgery when I had my c-section back in September, and the answer is simply this, we weren’t ready to make a decision that big at the time.  Our sweet baby boy came a month early which gave us no time to make a decision and I wasn’t going to rush the decision and end up regretting it. Every person is entitled to make their own decisions about their bodies and I chose to wait just to be sure I was okay with the decision.  I really wanted to try for a girl, but to be completely honest, being a mom of two boys is already a lot to juggle, plus I own a business and try to do volunteer work here and there.  So anyways, we went through with the surgery after discussing all the possibilities in depth.

Little did we know….. Hell was about to break loose.

The Tubal Ligation

On January 21st 2016, I walked into the hospital to have a routine Tubal Ligation Procedure.  This is a Laparoscopy procedure that leaves two small incisions that are either stapled or sutured together to heal.  The recovery time is about two to five days depending on your pain tolerance.  It’s also an out patient procedure, so I went home that same day directly after the anesthesia wore off.

Upon getting home, I took it easy and laid in bed for the most part.  On Friday, I spent the day relaxing and getting caught up on some light work duties.  I was healing great and the pain was already receding but I had this numb throbbing pain in my lower abdomen.  I honestly didn’t think it was anything to worry about and I assumed it was normal at that point.

By the time Saturday rolled around, I thought it was over.  No more cramping, no more regular pains, just here and there that weird throbbing pain would hit me, but nothing Tylenol and rest couldn’t handle.

Sunday was when the fun began.  I woke up on Sunday, January 24th and had a fever, was throwing up and feeling miserable.  The pain was a constant stabbing agony that I couldn’t do anything to make it stop.  I doubled up on my pain meds per doctors orders (5 mg Percocets) and I laid in bed trying to figure out what I was going to do to make the agony stop.  Finally I realized the pain was bigger than me and it was time to get help.

I called my Doctor and asked him what I should do and his immediate response was to go to the hospital.  So Sunday night, I went to Martin Memorial Hospital South.  They did blood work, urine work, X-rays, a CT Scan with IV Contrast and a pelvic exam.  The only negative report they got was swelling around my small intestines and a slight bacterial infection. Once the PA came in to share the results, she basically put me on Percocets again, a gel for the infection and some light antibiotics for the swelling in my small intestines; then she sent me home with an appointment to see my doctor (who did the surgery) the next day at 10 AM.  She also urged me to not hold the baby and not lift more than 5 pounds and to bascially stay in bed.  I am not very good at staying in bed, in fact I absolutely hate laying in bed for hours on end and had no interest in doing that at all, but I did it.

When I arrived at the doctors office the next day, he took one look at me and said, “I am admitting you into the hospital because I don’t like that your vitals are unstable (my blood pressure was 165/106, low grade fever of 100.3, my oxygen was low at about 84 and my pain was about a solid 9 on a scale of 1-10), your still vomiting, your pale white and you don’t look well at all.  We need to see what is going on.” I honestly didn’t want to go back to the hospital again but he pleaded with me that it was super important and needed to be a priority.  He called the hospital (Traditions Medical Center in Port Saint Lucie -FL) and off I went.

At this point, I was hopeful that they would figure it out pretty quickly.  I mean, a tubal ligation is such a simple surgery so I was optimistic that it was probably just a small infection and antibiotics would do the trick.  What actually happened, was not at all what I expected and I didn’t realize that I was going to be severely sick and in agonizing pain for what seems like forever, and yes I am still in pain.  Trust me when I tell you, when you have a complication from a surgery, it affects everything in your life.  You don’t get to feel good or normal and you don’t know when it will end.  Anyways, before I get too ahead of myself, I went to Traditions hospital and all I have to say is….. Read the next post.

God is in My World: My Feelings on our Creator

I have never been, nor will I ever be, a person who will force religion or God on anyone. My opinions and feelings are my own and I came to them on my own. I am writing this post because today my best friend and I had a really good talk about God and how she doesn’t feel connected to him like she feels she should. In my bible study group, where I am with about 20 or so women who are in their personal journey with Christ, I learned that letting God in is a very intimate and personal decision.  Just a little back story about my journey, I was never much of a believer. I attended church because my mom made me and I never felt connected or in need of God in my life. I found God as a myth and that he couldn’t be real because I couldn’t see him or feel him or touch him. As a child, I didn’t care because I was carefree and didn’t realize how important he really is. I went through a lot in my life and often turned to my mom or my friends for guidance and support and never had the strength to deal with it all. That is when I realized I was missing something big in my life, but I didn’t realize it was Him.

God did so much for me, all along I thought nothing of it. I never thanked him, praised him or gave him any of my energy, and up until I was 25, I really never opened a bible. I always thought that God loved me so much that no matter what he would forgive me for not paying attention to him, but the truth is, he deserves my attention. After all everything I have is because of Him.

What opened my eyes!

It happened very slowly. I moved into a house in the country, where my landlords lived on the same property and my family and I rented a guest cottage on the property. My landlords were heavily involved with their church, offering to take us to church on Sunday’s to meet their fabulous church family. We politely declined the offer because it wasn’t really something we wanted to do (and not for any particular reason). One day my landlords wife asked me if I would like to come to a women’s bible study with her. I had always been fascinated with the idea of digging into the bible, especially since I was 25 when I started literally reading the Old Testament just to see what it was all about.

I decided to go and without any exaggeration, I believe it forever changed me.

Being in that room surrounded by these women, both young and old, who had so much peace and happiness in their lives because of how close to God they are, made me not only feel the need to know Him but to truly praise Him for all the amazing things he did in my life. It’s so hard to look back at a time when I didn’t choose Him or when I didn’t let Him in because that time in my life was not as peaceful as my life is now.  Again, I don’t preach religion, nor do I tell people to do right by God because it isn’t my place nor my business but I can truly say with the utmost respect that without God I wouldn’t be as happy or as full of peace and love as I am today. The feeling of knowing him, even just the small taste I have already had and the many more memories and peaceful thoughts I will have while wrapped in his love, could absolutely never be replaced.

God is love… So much love that it soaks you with the wealth and peace and knowledge that comes with His presence in your life. This life is such a small part of what will be, such a small fragment of what happens to you. When you spend that small fragment knowing, trusting and having faith in His power, only then can you begin to imagine the beauty of what will happen when your soul leaves your body and enters into its home, it’s heaven.

Going back to the conversation with my friend. She and I both notice an emptiness inside her that she lacks an eternal love and the feeling of Gods loving arms. I would never tell her that she has to find God, but I know in my heart that if she lets me, I will show her the peace and love I feel just from believing in Him and His infinite love for all living and nonliving things.

There is so much I could say about my Heavenly Father, so many words to describe the feeling of knowing He has my back, but there has never been a moment since I started to have real faith that I have questioned the things he has done for me. He gave me the love of my life, he gave me my two perfect little boys, he gave me a brain that is perfect for running a business and being successful at it, he gave me a home to afford and filled my home with people that not only love me, but mean more than the world to me.

How can you begin to thank someone for every good thing you have when you still can’t believe that you have all of it? I don’t know how to be more grateful, how to be more worthy and all I can hope for is that I am able to spend the rest of my life being faithful and true to Him.

My Prayer

God,

Thank you for my life, for every breath you give me, for my beautiful children who are both healthy and absolutely perfect, for a man who loves me unconditionally, who challenges me to be the best woman I can be. Thank you for all the amazing people that you put in my life, friends, family, children; and thank you for ensuring that I do right by them all. Thank you for my tiny little home and even though I complain about how small it is, thank you for allowing it to be mine. Thank you for my best friend who is truly the most amazing and successful friendship I have ever had, and thank you for realizing how badly and deeply I needed her in my life. Thank you for my parents who worked so hard and did everything they could to raise me and my brothers and sister the best way they could. Thank you for my siblings and their health and happiness. Thank you for Delmar, who has truly been the biggest blessing and joy to have around. Thank you for giving him the strength and the wisdom to quit drinking and lead a healthier life, and thank you for giving me the knowledge and resources to be his advocate throughout his difficult journey. Thank you for Kathy who took care of and still helps to care for my bohs. Thank you for my grandmother who is truly one of the most important people in my life. Thank you for Ryan and Ashley because they have bought so much happiness and joy into my life and into my career. Thank you for my bible study friends who you have put in my life to help me gain wisdom and begin to have an unbreakable bond with you. Thank you for my talents in juggling business, motherhood and a happy, strong and passionate love for a man who never takes me for granite. Thank you for healing my heart from all the heart ache and pain of my past and helping me find peace in letting go of those painful memories. Thank you for the doctors that have helped me in many ways to be the healthiest version of myself. Thank you for Kevin and the special relationship that we have while coparenting our son. Thank you for all the lessons I have learned and all the ones I have yet to learn. Above all else, thank you from the bottom of my heart for always loving me and being there for me when I need your help most. I praise you for your unfailing faith in me and for every ounce of happiness I have. Your love is so filling that I know I could never experience hate, that I could never lose myself to my own selfish desires and for that I am eternally grateful. The most important thing that I want you to know God is that I am no longer afraid to die, I know from the very foundation of my being that I have you. For All the sins and all the pain of my past, I am truly sorry. I let myself down and I let you down when I should have spent my time being the good person I know I can be and who I am choosing to be now. I am asking you to help me mend my heart from all the regret, sadness, lies, deceitful behavior and blatant disregard I had for you. I want to make sure that I spend from this moment forward being the person you always intended for me to be. I am beyond blessed to have a chance to build a relationship with you, and I hope in the rest of my life that I find a way to make you proud of me every chance I get.

Amen.

Discussion time:

I know this blog was very deep and I appreciate all of you who took the time to read it. I have to ask my followers, do you have God in your life? If not, I completely understand and I pray that you find him if you see fit to do so, but if so, what is one thing that you feel most about his presence in your life? What are some of the ways that you thank your God for His presence and love in your life? I want to get closer to my God and I would love to read anything that any of you would like to share about your personal journey with our creator. This post is so important to me. It really holds a lot of very intimate details about my personal appreciations and gratitude. If nothing else, I hope whoever reads this finds the comfort and jog of God as His love and dedication can move mountains in your life.

Thank you for your support of my posts, I am really going to try and make more frequent posts. I hope I didn’t bore anyone too much with  my therapeutic post about my one truly unbreakable bond.

Someday… Someone….

Every time I reflect,

every time I remember,

My insides lose sight of reason,

my mind is blank, un-rendered.

 

Pain is suffocating,

logic is a device,

to be fine alone,

one must learn to sacrifice.

 

Deep inside I cry,

Deep within I break,

I won’t tell you

it’s because of your hate.

 

Someday someone

something somehow,

wish it was you

But your too late now.

Photo by Mob.org
Photo by Mob.org

Un-Stinking-Believable!

So I hit A Revelation! You know that moment when you sit down, realize what a waste of time this whole stupid depression has been and just silently curse between your lips, a silent but very meaningful, WHAT THE EFF!!!!  It’s more than it’s purpose, it’s when you finally realize that stupid decision of the past just sucked you into such a deep whole that you forgot what you wanted, what you needed! You put that one thing, person, feeling above all else and forgot yourself and to forget you is not okay! To forget you is like not ever living at all! Life is bumpy, life is creative, life is dark, life is bright, life is whatever the wave of change it brings. Its a secret no one knows, not even you.  Those tears, the ones rolling down your face right now or yesterday or tomorrow make no sense because its a new door opening, its a new cut that is programmed to heal, its like the wind you can’t slow it down, speed it up or make it stop, you can only be at it’s mercy.  You can only feel what you want to feel and leave the rest in your wake.  Don’t sit in your bed all night holding your legs rocking back and forth wondering what to do.  The answer is there already, destiny is preordained. Your future is already there waiting for you to catch up, so process the now and move forward before you forget to catch the next wave.  Before the night turns into day and you know not why you said or did the things you did.  Find people, things, places that fill you with inspiration and get it all out. Scream, Dance, Write, Eat, Sleep until its over, Count to 10, count to 100, take a deep breathe or fifty, whatever it is move on and cry not, cry no more, cry never for this again.

What makes us weak is what also makes us strong.  Strength is bigger than weakness.  Your not little anymore, once you have been here, in this new place of revelation, you are in that stage of forgetting the dreaming stage and realizing reality.  You are awake.  The dream ends here, no more do you fall hard without boundaries and life support, no more do you feel the wearing words of pain that people shoot at you a million miles per hour, no more do you stand defenseless in this world that is but a speck of light in time.  You are aiming for a target that you don’t want to hit, you are living to die, you are weak, vulnerable, sick, distant, sick! Get over it all now.  This is the new chapter.  This is the day you stop, stare and smile at the little things.  The trees, the grass, the sky, and you walk into the wind without a care in the world.  This is the new day.  This is the day of reckoning.  This may be your luckiest day, this may be your worst day yet, but EFF IT ALL what it is, is what it is! What hurt yesterday won’t hurt today, what felt like a bullet hole will heal today, so just walk with your life in your grasp.  Get it all, love it all, enjoy and play with it all.

No friends, or friends, or family or no family, you came here alone and you will die alone whether you want to or not.  That is not a terrible thing, that is what is supposed to be, but I would rather die than to have to ever turn around and feel that hurt and enraged again.  Pain is double sided until you decide to not care.  Then the pain doesn’t exist.  There is something that will pull you through whether its this stupid rant or the belief that people need you, your family, friends or the local gas station clerk needs you, so remember that you don’t know who you effect, and who needs you.  What will be, will be and not you or the forces of heaven and Earth will stop destiny from happening.  Either jump in or give up, but if you give up, you are weaker than can be expressed because to take away your life is to ruin the fold.  To prematurely knock down the dominoes of people who depend on and value you.  Even Though you hate you, someone out there loves you with all of their being.  Never forget to remember that someone or someone’s, because to forget is to fall into a selfish and underailable train of torment and heartache as you stand over the pain and heartache you inflicted and know in your soul that you can’t blame anyone but yourself.  To have that much regret will eat up the amazing reality of your self, of your loved ones, and those who love you.  You have to be stronger than your weakest moment, but yet weak enough to allow only what’s healthy to come out and cry….. just cry until the tears that fall out way the bad decision, because when the cry is over, the regret is for the cry and not the big Goodbye!

Pain is pain and it comes and it goes.  I hate that this pain I feel is still haunting me yet I can’t find a place to drop it and move forward. So it is Un-Stinking-Believable! I need to find myself again, and so you will help me.  You who took the time to read my unedited thoughts that sounds like the crazy rants of a lost little girl, but I assure you love and pain and everything in between that can suck you dry and it is not worth the amount of time you give it.  Drop it at the door enough and its gone, so drop it over and over again! Never pick it up again. Say Good Bye and keep walking away.  I will find my soul mate, and though I mistaked him once or twice, he is there in the world wondering where I am and waiting to be my all.  He is there waiting to know my name, my smells, my fingertips across his back while he faces away from me, my heart beating next to his in harmony.  He knows I am here and I need to know that he is there too.  Somewhere in this beautiful world he is there and the more I believe it the more excited I am for the future.

Enjoy this music Courtesy of my friend Jason who made me listen to it and now I want to share it with you.  Maybe it will make you remember those that remember you! Love you! Are there for you! Listen and be free from the pain and smile:

Click here to watch!

Here’s one more song I love and has gotten me through the darkest moments of my life:

Click here to here this awesome healing song

 

Check these out too for more reading:

 

Depression: Thank God for my Friends

feeling low

15036I am very blessed to have each and everyone of my as friends.  Everyone has been so supportive, including my brothers and parents.  I really have never hurt this much in the past. It’s like it hurts to breath, it hurts to laugh and its impossible to get a good night of sleep.  I toss and turn, then I wake up six seven times a night with tears in my eyes.  I keep dreaming about him with another woman and dreaming about him in general.  His face is always in my mind and I hate it.  I want to go to hypnotist and have them erase the last few months so I don’t have to go through this process of healing.  Some days I don’t feel strong enough to get through it.

I have panic attacks because I feel so dead inside and even when someone or a group of someones is around me, I still feel so empty and lonely.  This is the worst depression I have ever been in.  I can’t drive my car because I am honestly scared to drive anywhere because he used to drive all the time.  Every time I get in the shower I scrub my skin raw trying to get the feeling of him off of me.  I hardly eat at all and if it wasn’t for all the medicines I have to take I wouldn’t eat ever.  I just want to crawl into a whole and hide from reality until this storm passes. I haven’t felt like this since my first love TJ killed himself.  And even then I was young and more resilient than I am now.  I just feel so empty.

Even if I hate him now, when he left he broke my soul.  I felt like he was my soul mate and now I feel like I will never have another soul mate.   The kind of love I had for him was a once in a lifetime, Great love.  I have cried so much that my eyes are like pillows, all puffy and red.  I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, but I force myself.  Being around my son makes me happy, but he knows mommy is hurting because he keeps hugging me.  I just feel like the world isn’t the same.  All the colors look black and white now, all the sounds are dull now, all the music is annoying me and I feel discontent.  I want to make it all end, I just want to make my heart 24665stop hurting but I can’t and nothing and nobody can fix it.

Have you ever been this heart broken?  If so please tell me something that will help other than, “This too shall pass,” or “It will get easier,” because right now its not easier and its not passing so I need advice as to how to get through the right now!  How do I move forward from this miserable pain?  How do I learn to care about the little details I used to care so much about?  Please post your comments and help me find a way to get through this.  I need you all  to tell me what I can try, because I am tapped out of giving advice to myself because its not getting me anywhere.  Crawling into a ball and crying myself to sleep every night or just staying awake to avoid the whole situation is not helping me and I am desperate for some help!  Tell me what you can do to make yourself feel better when someone has literally ripped your heart out, stomped on it, then put it back into your chest mangled, broken and barely beating?

Leave you comments below and thank you for taking the time to help me.